When The Holidays Become Hell-idays: Dealing With Deaths
Trigger warning: this blog post mentions suicide
My husband and I faced one of the most stressful weeks we've ever had in our marriage. We got through Hurricane Helene and Hurricane Milton with easily repaired damages. We have three condos undergoing some renovation or repair. We moved 80% of our belongings to our forever condo last Saturday. My husband, who was taking a break from Facebook, found out that he lost a dear friend to pancreatic cancer three weeks after he passed, and he missed the funeral. And then, my husband accidentally cut his wrists while moving a bed. The cuts weren't deep, thank goodness, but they triggered a flurry of unresolved grief and loss. His father committed suicide twenty-four years ago, just before Halloween. I went into my weekly Wednesday evening meeting at 8 pm thinking everything was fine. At 10 pm, I walked into the living room to find a broken soul who had been drinking heavily to dull the pain.
I'm writing this blog post for him, although he's not the only one to experience grief and loss during the holidays. My father's birthday was October 3rd, and mine was October 5th. As much as I look forward to my birthday, there's a tinge of sadness because I haven't been able to share a birthday with him for 18 years. Christmas is also difficult; my mother's birthday was December 16th, and Christmas was her favorite holiday. Our last good day together was Christmas Eve, as she got sick on Christmas Day and never recovered, passing the following March, the day before St Patty's Day (yet another holiday I struggle with). Doug's father also loved Christmas, and they used to do holiday light displays together.
I offer the following tips to help you get through these difficult times, not as a replacement for counseling, but as something to consider doing until you can get the help needed:
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognizing and accepting your emotions, whatever they may be, is essential. Grief can bring a mix of feelings, including sadness, anger, and guilt. Allow yourself to feel these emotions without self-judgment. Remember, having these feelings is normal, and acknowledging them is the first step toward healing. Journaling your feelings is one way to recognize what you're feeling. Another is to find a quiet place and focus on what you're experiencing. Is it sadness? Grief? Loss? Disappointment? Emptiness? Anger? Validate them all.
Create New Traditions: Starting new traditions can help you honor your loved ones while also creating a sense of continuity. The tradition could be simple, like lighting a candle in their memory or sharing stories about them during a holiday meal. New traditions can provide comfort and help keep their memory alive in a positive way. Doug honors his father's memory by decorating our home. He has a musical light show that goes for 90 minutes. In the last few years, he's created a drive-thru display for golf carts on our vacant lot. I celebrate my mother's memory by decorating our home with two Christmas trees and many of her ornaments.
Reach Out for Support: Learn to ask for support from your networks. Friends, family, or support groups can offer comfort and understanding. Talking about your feelings can be incredibly healing; sometimes, just having someone listen can make a big difference. Consider reaching out to a counselor if you need more structured support. Doug and I can sense when the other is down to discuss what we're experiencing. He's picked up enough hypno jargon from me to know the questions to ask. I'm not going to lie, it fries my butt when he uses my hypno mojo against me, but I'm always better for it!
Set Boundaries: During the holidays, saying no to events or gatherings is okay if you're not feeling up to it. It's essential to prioritize your emotional well-being. Let others know what you need, whether it's space or company, and don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself. Doug and I are learning to take time for ourselves. We fully accept we can't be everything to everybody.
Practice Self-Care: Make time for activities that bring you peace and joy, such as reading a book, taking a walk, meditating, or anything else that helps you relax and recharge. Self-care is crucial during tough times, and it can help you manage stress and maintain your emotional health. Doug and I have our "arts and crafts" times. He does epoxy, and I crochet, which has helped relieve our stress!
Honor Their Memory: Find meaningful ways to honor your loved ones. You could donate to a charity they cared about, volunteer in their name, or create a memory book with photos and stories. Honoring their memory can be comforting while keeping their spirit alive and integrating their legacy into your life. Doug and I celebrate the memory of our parents and loved ones in numerous ways, but most importantly, we carry the love our parents showed us into our community. We keep the spirit of giving and volunteering alive and do our best to lead by example.
Doug and I will get through this, and we will be fine. I had a postcard in my office for years that said, "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." We will work through this by supporting each other, checking in with each other, and taking breaks when needed.
We got this.
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts:
dial 988
call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
or visit https://988lifeline.org
