Forgiving Yourself
It is April…and my theme for this month is “Foolishness and Forgiveness.” This week’s topic is “Forgiving Yourself,” because if there’s a common theme I see in all of my clients, it’s the inability to forgive ourselves for past mistakes, those stupid and horrible things we did to others, those stupid and horrible things we did to ourselves. Sometimes our past mistakes include not standing up for ourselves when we needed to, or not standing up for someone else when we should have. Often times these incidents will re-occur and the feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, or anger will resurface, magnified and intensified, because they were never properly processed to begin with. People who haven’t fully processed their issues, often find themselves sick. The unprocessed feelings that go with these mistakes is energy, and that energy can become stuck in the body and wreak all kinds of havoc. Many of my clients have heard me read from Yvette Rose’s book, Metaphysical Anatomy. I learn about their symptoms, find the corresponding chapter, and we both discover they have unprocessed emotions which may have contributed to what they’re experiencing medically.
When I discovered I had Hashimoto’s thyroiditis last year, I went straight to Metaphysical Anatomy and read the chapter on hypothyroidism…and immediately thought “Oh shit. Did I do this to myself?” The thyroid is near the throat…and throat issues indicate an inability to speak up for oneself. Seems strange for a former comedian to experience this, but I knew there were plenty of things I didn’t say because I was taught “don’t talk back to your parents.” When I spoke up about something in my friendships or my former marriage, it was followed by a whole bunch of unpleasantry and awful feelings. I stopped expressing my needs over time and didn’t realize how ignoring these feelings affected my body…until my body started speaking so loudly I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
I began working on myself, and started identifying “the programs” I created for myself. For example, I created a “Silence” program. I often chose “Silence” because the “Speaking Up For Myself” program created more issues for me at the time. Each program has a mental and physical price…and most people choose the one that brings them the least amount of pain. After getting Hashimoto’s, I now pay close attention to my body. If I’m experiencing discomfort, I take a deep breath…and say what I have to say. I don’t hold back, I don’t censor it. Consequences be damned! If I lose a friend, then they weren’t that good a friend to begin with. Once the words are out, I notice a better flow of energy. I now appreciate the satisfaction I receive from speaking my mind, no longer cowering in terror, fearful of the negative reactions that may follow after I speak my mind.
Once you begin identifying the disempowering programs that rule your life, there is a tendency to beat yourself up for developing those programs in the first place. You’ll remind yourself that “no one is perfect,” but that is usually not enough. We consciously know that “no one is perfect,” but unconsciously? There was a pain attached to that old program, and that is why you ran that program whenever it was needed. It may not have been the best choice, but it was at the time you made it. Your unconscious mind was simply trying to protect you from the pain you were about to experience!
I know this now about myself, and I worked to train myself to respond differently. Now when I find myself in an uncomfortable situation, I know the old program would’ve just tolerated the situation. But now? I feel the tension because I’m much more in tune with my body. When I feel that tension of wanting to say something but I don’t, I know it’s my old “Silence” program trying to keep me safe. Mentally, I thank “Silence” for the role it played in my past, and acknowledge that it is no longer needed. I give myself permission to speak about the uncomfortable situation and give myself permission to do so. Once I release the words that I need to say, I notice the flow of energy in my body get stronger and I feel better because I was finally able to express myself.
Identifying these programs, thanking them for doing the job they do, and forgiving yourself for creating them will yield big gains not only mentally, but in your physical health as well. The more programs you identify and change, the better you will feel in the long run.
